I don’t know
about everyone, but at this time of the year, I become pensive (engaged in, involving, or reflecting deep or serious thought; "a pensive mood"). I think about many things in my life –
including people who are no longer in my life, persons that I thought that I
would have never lost touch with. I do
know that friendship is a giant revolving door or roundabout (a type of
circular intersection or junction in which road traffic flows almost
continuously in one direction around a central island); friends and even family
members come and go throughout one’s life (family members are always family but
the occurrence of their association with a person does change through the
years)
An example would be “K” who I have been friends with since 8th
grade. She and I were inseparable for
several years, until later in high school, when I wasn’t cool enough to hang
out with or walk to school. I know that
it was new friends that she made – I made new friends also, but was hurt seeing
her walk home on the opposite side of the street that I walked on. We managed to get over that by the time
graduation rolled around and we planned our senior trip together to
Florida. Throughout the years, she made
it clear that she didn’t like the life I was living as a young adult and didn’t
want to associate with me during this time.
Looking back, I know that I made some really stupid decisions, but
nothing that was damaging, lasting or terminal.
She would come back into my life and leave with the wind. I truly believe that it was hard for her to
have more than one friend, one person to hang out with at a time.
In our 40’s, we again became close friends. During this period of time, it was pretty
bleak for “K” – she ended up losing her job, and in desperation asked my
husband and I to loan her some money. We
weren’t much better off, but we had credit and offered to do a cash advance on
a credit card with a really good interest rate, which she agreed to. After taking more than 6 years to pay back
the money that was charged, she bristled at the interest that was on the card,
but paid it back mid-2013. Following
that, I received a few emails about her brother who wasn’t doing well physically,
and a phone call in the fall of 2013 letting me know that he passed, and she
would call me back when the memorial service was scheduled. I am, sadly, still waiting for that phone
call.
There was a time when I would have said that nothing would
have gotten between the two of us. I was
wrong. My husband and I now agree that
we are no longer the “Bank of Thompson” – that has closed. He firmly believed that “K” thinks we ripped
her off with the interest and that is the problem. I don’t know if I believe that, but something
did – and I don’t know if anything would ever be the same. Hell, she had a major medical issue that I
only found out about because her boss mentioned something to me thinking that I
should know (as a close friend). “K”
never told me.
I had another friend, “J” who I did everything with for
years and years. We drank together, went
to bars and clubs and danced and hung out.
We did so much together when I left my practice husband; he told my
father that he believed that we were lesbians and that’s why I didn’t want to
stay with him (the truth was that I didn’t love who I was when I was with him,
but men like their own version better).
She even visited when I was living in Germany and we traveled around
together. When in Paris, my husband fell
asleep in the hotel room early and “J” and I looked at each other and left the
hotel. We walked the streets until the
wee hours of the morning, stopping for a drink or coffee in several bars or
cafes. We learned that “woo woo baby”
means the same thing in French or English!
What a grand night!
Soon after I moved from the area that we both lived in, I
learned that she wouldn’t come north 20 miles to see me and if I wanted the
friendship to continue, I would have to drive down all the time. So, slowly, as I made new friends, it fizzled
out. I last heard from her because she
was in the hospital and she wanted me to get some medical information for her;
shortly after getting it for her, I never heard back, her phone was
disconnected, and multiple attempts to find her were unsuccessful. I wish her well.
As girlfriends got married and families, I seemed to have
less in common with them. It’s the “you
don’t understand because you don’t have kids” phase in life. Through the years as the children grew, the
friends and I seemed to have widened that gap and it’s hard to cross. Or it’s the gap when a friend marries and
their husband really doesn’t like me (or my husband) and you just separate because
it’s less stressful.
When the internet because popular and on-line interest
groups developed, a number of on-line friendships developed. As interests changed; those friendships also
waned.
I was deeply involved with a bead society locally that I
thought would never change as long as I was involved with that medium of art. The leadership I started with and deeply
connected with has changed and new leadership is now in place and I don’t
connect with it any longer. I have a
different outlook than some and it was a time for me to remove myself from the
leadership, as much as I didn’t want to; the time was right.
At this time of year, I think about those friends that I am
close to now; don’t worry about when they will leave my life as I don’t have
control over what might or might not happen.
I think about old friends and what we had then and what we have
now. I think about the friends who made
the decision to leave my life; and I don’t worry about their decision. I can’t do anything about it and I can’t make
them stay connected to me.
I am just grateful for those who are in my life. Past.
Present. Future.
